Seventeen

Seventeen years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  It's hard to believe so much time has passed.  In many ways it seems like forever ago, yet in some ways it seems like yesterday.

That's the thing about grief.  Some days the weight is heavy, even seventeen years later...and sometimes it's like a dream, but you always remember the details.

Lexi was with us for nine months.  One week after her birth she was diagnosed with Congenital Heart Disease, having several heart defects.  It was a complete shock to us, and an absolute nightmare for two young parents who thought they had a healthy baby girl.  After several heart surgeries, tests, and procedures her body just didn't have any fight left.  On Feburary 4th, 2004 we unhooked her from all life support and I held her in my arms until her heart stopped beating on the monitors.  It's a memory that still stops my breathing at the most random times, even sixteen years later.

Every year, since I started this blog for Drake, I committed to write about her and for her on her birthday.  This will be the last blog that I dedicate solely to her.  Next year will be her 18th birthday, and while the grief will always remain....I can imagine that any 18 year old would say..."Ok, Mama...come on, I'm an adult now."

But today, I want to tell you what I miss the most.


I miss her big blue eyes.

I miss her beauty.  She was stunning.

I miss her laughter that could brighten every room.

I miss the way she was so serious and observant, much like Drake.

I miss the way she smelled.

I miss her strength.  She went through more in nine short months than most go through in a lifetime.

I miss the way her eyes would light up when I walked into a room.

I miss the way her baby wash smelled on her specifically.

I miss the way she seemed to mesmerize everyone around her, even doctors and nurses.

Honestly, I just miss her.  However, I don't miss how she suffered.  I don't miss how painful it all must have been.  I don't miss that she spent more time in the hospital than out.  I don't miss seeing fear on her face.

I know with all my heart and soul that she is in heaven now.  She is not suffering.  She is happy.  She is full of life.  She is at peace.  And that's how I survive, because I know where is she.  I know I will see her again one day.  I don't know the reason why God chose us to be her parents and to go through such as time as that, but I do know that it solidified our marriage.  It made us strong.  It made our faith like steel.  I accept it all.  Things happened while she was alive that would not have happened if God had not sent her.  She lived and died for a reason.  While it was all more than I thought a human could handle, I'm thankful that God decide to open my eyes to her purpose...and mine.

And here I am again with another blessing, Drake.  Drake who is very much autistic but so healthy, happy, and alive.  It's like winning the lottery. I can sometimes see her little face in his face, and I cannot explain what that does to my heart.

Lexi made me strong, sometimes intimidatingly so. I'm proud of that strength and determination.  It's helped me to get Drake everything he needs.  It's made me into someone who can love this child autism and all.  I appreciate every single hair on his autistic head.

I have seen, more times than I'd like to count, parents talking about grieving their autistic child.  A child that is very much alive.  A child that may have difficulties but is overall healthy.  It nauseates me. No one would utter those words if they had actually lost a child.

I don't grief that Drake is not typically developing.  I grieve for my daughter who died in my arms.  I don't grief that Drake "may not" have the life he should have.  How absurd!  If I have anything to do with it, he will have a phenomenal life and be absolutely adored by every single person he comes in contact with.

I miss Lexi, every single day. I wish she was here to be a big sister to Drake.  I wish I could sit with her at the table and talk about High School drama.  I wish a lot of things were different, but I am thankful just the same that she is at perfect peace.  She is where she is supposed to be, and I know she's safe.  I know there is no better place to be.

Happy Birthday, Lexi Rae.  Know you are loved.  Know you are missed.  Know that we will be with you soon.  I can't wait to see you, baby girl.