Every year since I started blogging about autism and Drake's life, I have also included Lexi and her life on her birthday. While her life was short, she taught me more in nine months than anyone ever could. She changed me in a way that I'll never be able to explain and losing her affected me mentally, spiritually, and physically. Even though it has been seventeen years since we said goodbye, it is still so fresh in many ways. It feels like it happened yesterday, it feels like something that happened to someone else...and in truth it did happen to someone else. I am not the same. Losing a child, especially a child you've physically held in your arms, does something to you that is life altering. It's way beyond grief or pain. It's a constant feeling, almost like a headache that never goes away, yet some days are much better than others. If I can still feel it after all these years, imagine someone with the freshness of loss.
I've often said that losing a child at different stages in life is even more damaging. I can't imagine losing a two year old Lexi, or a twenty year old Lexi. To me, the more memories you have...the stronger the grief. Of course this may be a way of coping for me. The brain is a powerful thing and it will do whatever it has to do to recover. Throughout the years I've noticed that I have big gaps in my memory. I don't remember random things from my youth, things that happened in school, people, or places. I hear this is common when you lose a child. Your brain is trying to recover from trauma and in doing so you may lose memories that are not necessary for survival.
People deal with child loss in various ways, and honestly anyone who assumes they are doing it wrong..I pray you never have to experience it. For me, I pushed forward. I jumped right back into life and keep my mind and body as busy as possible. I went back to school within months, graduated with honors from college, and began a teaching career. I was taking up to 40 hours a week of college courses because I had to immerse myself in something that would crowd my mind. I had amazing friends who kept me busy on the weekends. I literally never stopped going and doing for several years. It's what I needed to survive.
Since we've had Drake I have felt peace that I've never felt before. I feel like a part of her is with us again. We almost didn't have more children, but after several years decided we could do it. I'm so glad we made that choice. Learning that Drake is autistic was not a tramuatic experience for me. I did what I've been used to doing for seventeen years....I dove in feet first running. It's just who I am now and even after all these years, it's a coping mechanism. Don't get me wrong, I am not grieving because Drake is autistic. It sickens me to hear people say that. Drake is very much alive. Drake is happy. He is here with me. I can touch him, smell him, see him.....I will never grieve for what I thought life should look like. I choose to celebrate the child I have. A child that I look at sometimes and see his sister so clearly.
This would have been Lexi's senior year of high school. Her senior prom. Her graduation. The year she decided what profession or college she wanted. Honestly, it stings a bit this year more than others. I try to see her in the myriad of prom pictures. I'll do the same when graduation pictures pop up on Facebook. I look at all the beautiful prom dresses and smiling faces and try to imagine what she would look like. Lexi, becoming an adult....possibly getting married in a few years, having her own children, doing life...
If I sit and think on those things too long, it overwhelms me. Instead I choose to imagine her in heaven. She has been with Jesus for all these years. She is happy. She is whole. Her heart is healed. She will never feel another needle prick, she will never face another surgery. No pain, only happiness and peace. One of the things that I prayed while I was pregnant with both Lexi and Drake is that they would know the Lord. My prayers were answered and I am thankful. I am not angry at God for taking Lexi. I am not angry at God for giving me an autistic child. I am blessed that both of these children have done nothing but draw me closer to Him. I have depended on Him to keep them safe and protect them. He has done exactly what I asked, just in different ways. There is no bitterness in my heart, but simply thankfulness that He trusted me to care for Lexi for nine short months and is now trusting me to care for Drake.
I decided last year that I would stop blogging about Lexi after this year. She's 18. She would be an adult. I cringe to think what she would say if she knew I was blogging about her adult self. One thing I will never do is forget her. I will continue to mention her name. I will continue to use her story to give others hope. I will never stop talking about her or her legacy. She changed many people in a very short amount of time. Her life had purpose. She was able to accomplish things in nine short months that many people can't manage in a lifetime. It is truly a supernatural experience to think back on the lives she changed, including mine.
Today and everyday, I remember. Happy birthday, Lexi Rae, it was an honor to be your mama.
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