You see, our friend went through a very scary time. He went through weeks of radiation and chemo. Then, just a couple of months ago he had a very complex surgery to make sure no cancer returned. As he was waiting for surgery he had the opportunity to speak with others who had gone through this type of surgery. He spoke to several people to try and understand what he would be facing with the surgery and recovery process. You may be thinking, "what is the purpose of all this?"
You see, the people who were negative about the whole process made him fearful and apprehensive. Yet, the people he spoke with who were positive gave him hope. He clung to their words and tried his best not to think about those who described the whole experience in a negative way. While the recovery has been rough, he is doing well. He is a very positive person by nature and I truly believe that positivity along with his faith has brought him through.
While I in no way think autism can compare to cancer, I do think we can draw a comparison between the way we handle things in life.
People, it is so important to surround yourself with people, articles, health professionals, therapists, and social media that will encourage you. When I first suspected that Drake was autistic, I was absolutely petrified. Why? Because almost everything I read was negative. It was all doom and gloom. Bad. Horrible. Your life will never be the same. Your child will never do this and he will never do that. The life you once knew is gone. You need to grieve for the life you thought you would have. You need to take care of yourself, but you won't be able to. You will be sad a lot. You will never sleep. You will wish for a different life.
Doesn't all that give you the warm fuzzies? It depresses me just writing the words. Now, could some of those things be true? Absolutely. I have never claimed that raising an autistic child is easy. I also cannot compare our life to the lives of others. I know that some families have many more difficult days than we do. In fact, some families have more bad days than good. I have never meant my message to discard the seriousness or struggles of what other families face. I don't even fault people for discussing the hard times. The realties of autism are necessary for awareness, but I beg you to be respectful. Your child and mine are not the same. Having said all that, let me say this. We have hard days too. More importantly, Drake has hard days. He's had hard years, months, and weeks. But one things I will never do is promote a message day after day of how hard it all is for us. Mainly because it's not all hard. If we only have one good day a week, I hold onto that good day with all that I have.
If I constantly focused on the hard it would take me to a very dark place. I've been in dark places, and I don't like them much. I don't write about being sad because I'm not sad. Yes, I've had sad days, consumed with worry. All parents have. One thing I will never do is bombard anyone I know with that sadness. I try to be positive, even on days when I don't feel very positive. I do it because that is the kind of person I needed in the beginning. I needed someone to say, "it's going to be okay, you can and will do this." We all need more people who are willing to hold our chin up rather than sit with us in sadness.
More than any of that, I choose to be positive for Drake. Because he deserves it. He is growing up in a world that doesn't understand him. I refuse to let him live in a home that is is heavy with grief for a child that is very much alive. I will not allow him to feel less than in my home. I will not talk about him or to him like he cannot understand. Nor will I write about him as if he doesn't exist and will never understand. I will always presume competence and I will expect anyone around him to do the same. Do I have issues with parents who don't practice these things. Yes. Yes, I do. I'm not sure if you listened to a doctor, a therapist, or if one day you just made up your mind to assume that your child "would never."
I would suggest you find people and places that change your mind. There is a child I know and love who in the last couple of years has absolutely astounded everyone around him with all the things he knows. He's completely non-verbal and has had some of the most severe behavior problems I've ever heard of....yet in the midst of all that...he was listening. He was learning. He was watching. He has been very present, even though he seemed so far away.
Our kids are listening to us. Our kids may one day read our words. Our kids are totally dependent on us to make a way for them. We cannot do that if we can't even do it within our four walls. Wake up!
Don't you dare give up on your kid. Don't you dare doubt what they can understand. Don't let sadness consume you so much that it affects the mental health of your child. Do you know why there are so many bitter/angry autistic adults in this world? Because somewhere along the way they have dealt with a person, family member, therapist, or teacher who made them feel like they aren't good enough. A person who talked about them like they were deaf. A person who discarded them with their words. It's wrong on so many levels.
Growing up in a neurotypical world is going to be difficult for Drake, but I can promise you this...it won't be because of me. I will never stop promoting a message of acceptance, love, and hope for my kid and yours.
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