Grief is a very taboo subject. Especially when it involves the death of a child. People tend to shy away from thinking, much less talking, about child loss. It's not that people don't care, but it's just too hard to comprehend.
Sixteen years ago today, I gave birth to a beautiful eight pound baby girl. Less than a year later just a couple months shy of her first birthday, she was gone.
You can read more about her life/death here: Heaven Has A Teenager.
I decided when I started this blog to talk about autism and Drake that once a year I would also dedicate my blog to Lexi Rae. This is my fourth blog dedicated to her. After all, her life was important. And for me it still is important. You see, her life and losing her changed me. While I did manage to put one foot in front of another and move forward, the loss of her broke me in many ways. I'd even say it hardened me. It was such a traumatic experience for us as a family and rather than let it break me, I allowed it to harden me a bit as a way to survive and move forward.
Allen and I were in our late twenties when we had her. We did a lot of growing up in less than a year. We functioned as one person for many months, and the bond we developed during that time was unbreakable, and still is. Caring for a sick child will either make or break a marriage, and I'm thankful that it solidified ours. There were days when I didn't know if I could continue on with the level of sleep deprivation I was facing. Lexi was not a happy baby. She was sick or in the hospital most of her life and she rarely slept. It was hard. The absolute hardest thing I have ever done or ever will do. I don't think many people realize what losing a child can do to someone. I also suffered a very early miscarriage before her, and while that hurt me...it didn't change me the way Lexi did. I held her in my arms until her heart stopped beating, and folks....that is something that will stick with me until my heart stops. You see, child loss never goes away. The memories have faded over the years, but sometimes, if I allow myself to go there, I can still smell and feel her. It's mind-numbing and something I've learned to block. Those are the kind of memories that will literally put me on my knees if I allowed them to fully surface. There is no moving on from child loss. You just somehow learn to exist with it. You are trapped in a juxtaposition of love and grief. You go through the motions of breathing, laughing, eating, working, and existing. Everyday you somehow do things that need to be done, but yet you're still in that moment. The moment when you lost your child.
I've had countless people tell me over the years that I am the strongest person they know. I am not ashamed to say that I am strong. It takes a strength to make your way through grief, to grab hold of life and let it pull you forward. The hardest thing I have ever done is watch my child die in my arms, and living every day since that moment has only been by God's grace and mercy. Believe that. If not for my faith and knowing that Lexi is completely healed and safe in the arms of my Father, I would not hold my head high and continue on. I have kept going all these years because He has given me the strength to do so. It was never a goodbye for me, but rather a see-you-soon.
It wasn't until years later that I realized I may want another child. It was scary to think about. It had been almost seven years since she died and I didn't want to suddenly be fifty years old with regrets. Drake gave me back a joy that I didn't know was possible. I cannot imagine this world without him in it. Yes, he is autistic. No, our lives are not typical. But hardly a day goes by that I don't look at him and see her precious face. Only this time it's happy. Drake is healthy. Drake is full of life. Drake, who doesn't say a word yet, fills my heart and mind with such peace. In my mind, I didn't expect to give birth to an autistic child...but God gave me a gift when he gave me Drake. Yes, he has challenges...but the pure joy and love of life he has far outweighs any difficulties he may face.
So it is possible to come out on the other side of child loss and feel joy again. For me, that joy came in the form of another child. Our story, is just one story of child loss. One of the worst things you can do is stop mentioning the name of the child that died. Stop treating the subject as off limits. Do you honestly think these parents have forgotten? They think about it every single day....sometimes every single minute according to the circumstances. They haven't forgotten. They will never forget. Speak that child's name often. Don't you realize that speaking about that child keeps their memories alive?
Today, I have a sixteen year old in heaven. I can't imagine a birthday party more grand than the one she is having. I love you, Lexi. Happy birthday, I'll see you soon.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:2
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