Where has the time gone? I'm sure it would have gone by even faster if you were actually here on Earth with us.
Drake is already 6....I cannot believe we've had him for six years. I also find it hard to breath sometimes when I think what a blessing you would be to him.
I always dreamed of having two children. I guess it's part of growing up as an only child. I wanted a brother or sister, and almost had one. She would be eleven years younger than me if mama had not miscarried midway through the pregnancy.
It's hard to think about death until it happens to you. Sadly, it's also hard to appreciate what you have until your world is turned upside down. I wonder sometimes if I would embrace Drake's autism if life wouldn't have taken you away from us. I know an autism diagnosis is difficult and some children struggle far more than Drake ever has or ever will....but I can still see all the good things about autism. I would like to think I would feel the same way regardless of child loss, but I often wonder.
I think sometimes losing someone precious to you, has a way of changing your entire outlook on life. Losing a child even more so. Through the years I've learned to see the good in almost any situation. I've learned to forgive quicker...and I've learned to walk away when necessary. I have no time for the regular annoyances of life. Things don't get under my skin like they did years ago, because I have survived something no one should ever have to survive. It also makes me a bit judgmental because some of the things people complain about often make me cringe. You don't complain as much when you've buried your child. Nothing can really compare to that, you know?
Burying a baby is the worst. I suppose that's why I'm so big on hope. I've survived one of the worst things possible and God gave me another child...a child I never thought I wanted. A child diagnosed with autism. I love him fiercely. He healed a place inside of me that was void. He gave me the hope I needed.
I still miss you, Lexi. Every single day. You would think after 14 years that I may be able to go a few days. Nope. Laying in bed at night being unable to sleep is the worst. Thats when the memories like to visit. It can happen during the day as well, but I'm normally so busy that I'm able to redirect my thoughts. Our time with you was so hard. The constant, mind-numbing worry, and fear was literally indescribable. You were so fragile. You were so sick and unhappy most of the time, yet when you smiled it lit up the whole room. You, like Drake, were very observant and a deep thinker. Thinking back, I should have known you wouldn't survive. Your will to live was not there. This was not your home, and you knew it. *Those of you who do not know the story of Lexi can read it here.*
When Drake was born, I knew immediately that he was healthy. Because of you, my instincts are pretty intense...and the first time I held him I felt complete peace. I knew without a doubt that he was strong, healthy, and ready to do this thing called life.
Drake being autistic has made life a bit more challenging. Things are different for your Daddy and I now. We don't have the freedoms we once had, sacrifices needed to be made, we don't always get to do the things we want to do, and there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day....but we are also so happy. Drake has a way of making anyone happy. He is so full of life. He can charm the pants off of anyone, and it sometimes makes me chuckle to think about how much that would probably annoy you as an older sister. He has come so far in six years with therapy, love, determination, and so many awesome people who love him. I know you would be as proud as we are. He is truly a light in our life. Our life may be different, but I feel like...in some small way...having Drake with us gives us a little piece of you. I see you so many times in his facial expressions. It literally takes my breath away.
Lexi, I miss you. I hope you know that your Daddy and I love you. It's hard being here, while you're there....but I have no doubt that I will see you again one day. I know you are happy now. I know you are at peace, and that makes me smile. Since you've been gone, so many people who loved you are in Heaven with you now. It makes me tear up to think of the reunions I'm missing.
Happy birthday sweetie. One more year and you'll be sweet sixteen.....I really hope there are cars in heaven. <3
I have written a blog for Lexi or about Lexi every year on her birthday since starting this blog for Drake. I hope you'll joining me in remembering and celebrating this beautiful child who was my first love.
Happy birthday Lexi!
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