It can be something as simple as seeing a child playing with a toy truck or a picture of child jumping in mud puddles or a friend talking about how easily their child was potty trained. First words, silly things kids say, Christmas surprises, etc. Some would call this feeling jealousy. In fact, there are hundreds of words that could describe what others may "think" I am feeling when I see or hear about typically developing children. Understand one thing before reading any further, I am new to this particular disability. I'm learning. I wander around, aimlessly, grasping at straws all day long to figure out the best treatment plan for my child. While I'm doing all this running around I might cry a little, rage a little, complain a little, and quite possibly get a little envious.
Whoop. Here it is.
I am jealous of your child who can talk. I am jealous when I hear a kid say "MAMA,"while running around squealing with his siblings in Wal-mart. I am jealous of your child's interest in pushing trucks rather than turning them over and checking out the wheels, or chewing on them. I am jealous almost every single time that I see a child happily playing with toys the correct way...without being shown. I am jealous of the wide variety of foods your child will eat. I am jealous of your child's birthday party and how he gushes with delight at each new present, blows out the candles, opens the gifts, and runs and hugs Aunt Betty while saying thank you in that sweet little voice.
OH! I am so immensely jealous of your blasted Elf On The Shelf (there I said it, I feel better already). No, I am not doing the elf on the self AGAIN this year. Why? Drake wouldn't care if you took Santa, the elves, his reindeer, frosty and the whole lot and threw them into a shallow grave and buried them alive. Part of that makes me jealous, once again...but a bigger part is finding the humor in it. Sometimes his lack of interest in things that makes everyone else go nuts amuses me. Trust me, he knows exactly what is going on and doesn't give a crap. It makes me giggle. Friends, that is progress for me. I am able to giggle WHILE being jealous. Progress is grand!
I AM JEALOUS.
But, not for long. I'm learning.
Sometimes it is a fleeting cringe. A tiny scratch at the back of my throat. A small sigh. Often, it is a deep breath, or a "close my eyes" moment. Most of all it is a lot of prayer. I don't know how people do this without God. I cannot tell you the times that I have had this feeling and just asked God to take it from me.
When life gets green I often look at Drake and meditate on all the joy he has brought to my life. If only one good thing comes from this thing called Autism, I know without a doubt that it will make me a better me. Each day I am becoming less selfish and more willing to fight. With each sunrise there is more determination. Each sunset brings more insight. Each therapy session shows more promise. Drake is going to be okay. I am going to be okay.
Sometimes green is not a bad thing. It is all about perspective...