Monday, October 20, 2014

It begins....

I feel like I'm in a foreign land, and no, I'm not talking about Autism. 



 This blogging thing...it confuses me, yet excites me all the same.  I've had various family members and friends encourage me to write for years....it seems that I've found my voice.  Granted, I'm not writing a bestseller for the NY times book list, but it's a start!  Right? 

My story is long and complex.  This thing called Autism that my sweet three year old has....oh, it's nothing compared to where I've been.   Yet here I sit in a Barnes and Nobles in some undisclosed location in America  spewing out random thoughts about Autism and how it effects my child.  

I suppose in the days, weeks, and months ahead that I will speak about  different aspects of this thing we call life.  However, the main focus of this blog will be to help me.  I need to break the monotony of every day life and get these thoughts and worries out of my head.  I  follow so many blogs and their inspiration has led me to help myself through writing.  I need this outlet.  When I look back on my life and what I have survived I almost want to laugh at this bump in the road....yet I'm not laughing.  This is hard.  

It would be nice to sit here and say....I feel sorry for my kid.  But, that's not true...I feel sorry for me. I hate that MY kid has Autism. I hate that MY kid is not talking.   Selfish.  I'm so selfish. I'm not in denial about it, I'm not proud of it, I ask God to make me less selfish every single day, but here I sit...being selfish.  




I struggle with selfishness.


Drake is happy. Additionally,  I would say for the time being he is happy having Autism.  He is not afraid of Autism.  Drake does not mind being Autistic in the least. Fear sets in when I say that and realize he is only three years old. How will he feel in three more years?  How will I feel?    I am trying to come to terms with this new unwanted life. I sometimes want to beat my head against a brick wall because I want a different life for Drake.  I don't want him to be Autistic.  I read blogs, follow pages on Facebook, and read books about people who embrace their child's Autism and love that their children are Autistic.  

I. DO. NOT. LOVE. AUTISM.  

I. DO. NOT. LOVE. MY. SON. BEING. AUTISTIC. 



Why? That my friends is the reason for this blog.  No, I am not going to whine and complain every single time I write about Autism, but I am going to be real.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it and I'm not going to lie to myself or any of you.  I hope in some small way I can help someone else who is walking in my shoes.  

I hope that my writing will help me to be a better Mama to my little guy, a better wife to my extraordinary husband, a better Christian  for Jesus, and perhaps a help to you. 

Thank you for beginning this journey with me.  Caution though...if you hang around here often, be prepared for a wild and bumpy road.  






Meet Drake, my heart, my soul,  and the reason I fight every single day.  He is quite, sweet, and my little deep thinker.  I love him more than anything ( other than my sweet hubby). I am going to do everything I can, every single day, to make sure he can reach his full potential.  God gave me this child and regardless of what I think or how I feel, he is the perfect child for me.  



  Most likely thinking about swimming.  One of his favorite things to do. 




5 comments:

  1. Hey Jill. Found you through Bacon and Juiceboxes (great people ova there!) Love your honest writing. Well wishes to your and your family and on your writing journey.

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  2. Thank you so much for your support!

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  3. Welcome to the blogging world. ((hugs)) writing truly can help sometimes : )

    ~ Cindi

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  4. Thank you so much!! Excited to be a part!

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  5. My 3 1/2 year old is being assessed. Thank you for this blog. I'm starting to read from the beginning. This first post has already helped me so much. Thank you.

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